I started at a new gym today!
I haven’t been to the gym in over a year and it felt so good to be back. I mean I’d prefer to be back on the land, always with something physical to do keeping me fit. But as far as living in suburbia goes, going to the gym is very exciting.
So I had a personal training session to kick things off, which comes with good news and bad news. Good news is that my trainer is a legend! Her name is Lauren, she’s got two dogs (a border collie and a cattle dog if memory serves), she’s a hugger, she laughed when she asked me if anything was broken and I just pointed to my brain and said “just the control centre” and she seemed stoked about her job which is just delightful to be around. Bad news, I still fucking hate squats!
But that’s okay, coz I’m not there to slog it out doing things I hate (and she gets that! Not like the scary pushy PTs from way back right?), I’m there to feel good and look after my body.
In fact, when Lauren asked me what my goals were, I just told her I want to climb trees. I had a dream a while back that I was in a dense tropical rainforest and I was climbing these trees, so easily pulling myself up branch after branch, jumping from one tree to the next. Then I woke up and said to myself damn… better go find a gym! Now I don’t expect to be Miss Tarzan or anything. I’m not entirely delusional. I just want to be fit and strong enough to be like “that’s a good tree” and climb it without fear of getting stuck coz I’m not strong enough to lower myself back down safely. Not that I’m speaking from experience or anything….
And of course I enjoy being within my preferred weight range, looking toned and all that fun stuff. That’s just not my reason for being there.
Buuuuut if I’m being honest, I am definitely having to put conscious effort into remaining neutral about it. There is a strong part of me that is wanting to take measurements and “before” photos and go buy a new “goal” outfit to eventually fit into. I nearly went through my cupboards and threw out all the “bad” food. Because, not gonna lie, I’ve been struggling with the body image thing and I want this feeling to stop.
I was about to write that it’s because I’ve put on weight lately, but I actually have no idea. I can honestly tell you I don’t know if what I’m perceiving my body to look like is reality or not. I figure if I can go from one day to the next with entirely different feelings about my appearance, it’s probably not my appearance that’s changing right? And I don’t weigh myself, so the only real gauge is my clothing, and photos… we all know I take photos to anchor myself in reality. Thank god for digital photography or my self identity would cost a fortune in polaroids!
Either way… whether I do gain weight, or am bloated, or look exactly the same and have just developed a subconscious complex after the men I’ve been with have gone from the likes of me straight to dainty, timid, ladylike (basically just the opposite of me) little things – yikes that may require some emotional investigation 😳 – at the end of the day, I’m acutely aware that (outside of actual physical wellness) the one thing I really have to monitor or change is my mindset.
Which I’m actually extremely proud of at this point! I have been so awful to myself over the years. I used to catch a quick glance at my reflection when I wasn’t standing in a “flattering” pose and immediately crumble into a self loathing mess, swearing I’ll eat less or work out more or just lay in bed and cry hysterically which surely would burn some calories right?
These days, even when I’m not feeling awesome, I do a pretty good job of remaining gentle and loving towards myself. I can actually sit in front of a mirror completely relaxed and be okay with however my body is existing. Sometimes I even genuinely adore it. What a gorgeous squishy strong capable soft womanly body!
Love this for me! Now excuse me while I go find some magnesium coz oooooh boy these muscles have not been used in a while!