I just remembered how much I thrive on shameless authenticity.
I can practically taste the discomfort of onlookers who are confronted with my lack of given fucks towards an agreeable aesthetic. And I’m not gonna lie, it kinda charges my batteries!
On the other end of the spectrum, the more I try to hide the parts of myself I don’t easily love, the more I grow to HATE everything I don’t like. Not fuuunnnn.
I’ve recently found myself looking back on older pictures of myself and wondering how on earth I felt okay in that body, with that face, in those clothes, doing whatever bizarreness I was doing. Because seeing that girl through the lens of my current relationship with myself, all I can see is the embodiment of a long list of insecurities that I am very much not at peace with lately.
Which goes to show, once again, it’s not actually my meat suit that’s the problem.
If I can be objectively fatter and uglier but feel confident and peaceful in my body, how does it make sense that I’d be sitting here thinner and botox’d with my perfectly cut hair and expensive clothes obsessing over how hideous I am?**
Same answer for everything I suppose. It’s all in my fucking head.
Given that the voices in my head and I historically aren’t the greatest of pals, this is not ideal.
But never fear! Awareness is half the battle, and aware I am! …Sorta, mostly, some days?
Oh this is interesting! Upon commencement of these ramblings, it’s occurred to me that I may have accidentally put myself in a “trying to be conventionally pretty” box a while back. Biiiig yikes! Clearly was not being overly aware on that particular day.
I don’t remember exactly how this happened… I think it was after I noticed I’d stopped having my usual fun in social media land?
See, when I initially jumped on socials being all “fuck it, I’m gonna put myself out there like one of those successful Instagram Girls and see what happens”, I was doing quite literally nothing with myself. I lived with a boyfriend who I actually don’t think liked me very much, had no work and very rarely saw anyone socially in real life. This created the perfect mental environment for a no fucks given approach. I don’t do anything or see anyone, how can I possibly be embarrassed by what I do online if I don’t know anyone to be embarrassed in front of?
This worked for quite a while! I loved it. Actually in retrospect this was one of the happiest periods in my life (after I’d broke up with the fella who didn’t like me. lol). For years I was LOVING content creating (not that we called it that back then. Lol like back in myyy daayyyy we had to walk barefoot in the snow to reach dial up Internets? Brb investing in eye cream) and only held back when I’d gotten myself into committed relationships. Because I guess that meant there was then someone in my life who could emotionally destroy me with one snide comment about one thing I posted and delve me into a shame riddled depression spiral in which I gave up all things that brought me joy…
Yeah, apart from those delightful interludes, I was still not really working and when I socialised it was only really in my very strongly curated bubble of similar minded insta-girlies and we all celebrated the fuck out of each other. That is of course until 2020 when I *came out* as unvaccinated and they viciously turned on me. But that’s another story isn’t it hahaMOVINGRIGHTALONG!
Point is, I was used to very much doing my own thing in my own world. So over the past couple of years when I put myself out in the real world (well, real-ish… not sure how real a crystal warehouse full of hippies is) I automatically withdrew from my usual antics again. I told myself it was because I was getting all of my social needs met outwardly and didn’t require the connection online anymore. But really, I think I was scared that all of these people outside of my curated circle had access to my online world and I was thrust back into that habit of withdrawing to lessen the chances of being picked on face to face.
After a while, I realised I was in fact still missing the creative outlet and particular brand of connection social media provides, and I think I made a little compromise within myself. I thought “okay, Harmony… if you’re uncomfortable putting your usual shit out there, that’s okay! Just do what you’re comfortable with now. It’s okay to just allow yourself to show the flattering angles and normal amount of nudity and vaguely professional behaviour. You don’t owe your crazy all access body positive creative explosion self to anyone!”.
Wrong. I owe it to myself.
I suppose I’m glad I’ve experimented with a different side to myself and learned that a life focusing on flattering angles and socially acceptable behaviour is definitely not fulfilling for me. Now we know!
Aaaaaand now we can work on un-stifling the feral beast to figure out what actually brings me joy in this season of life, then do that. Which should be easy enough, just as soon as I get a handle on being my whole self while in a committed relationship. Should be any day now, there’s a first time for everything!
**Calm down with your “everyone is unique and beautiful and no ones fat and ugly etc”! We all know I’m actually about that body positive life most of the time and life is about more than how we look blah blah blah. But I’m also human, we’re visual creatures and we all have proffered aesthetics and we all feel/look shitty sometimes so shut up on this one.