Let’s talk about my man, shall we?
Though I guess he’s not my man now. But fuck do I wish he was. I think. Maybe. I don’t know anymore. Lol as if I wouldn’t marry him tomorrow if he manned up enough to want me.
You guys know Ben. How could you not? I’ve been madly in love with him since we met, even for the whole six months it took him to admit he was in love with me too.
You know how relationships need more than love? You need timing. You need to want the same things, at the same time, in the same way. And you both need to be brave enough to realise what you want and jump in with both feet. Fortune favours the bold and all that. Have you ever seen a relationship truly flourish when both parties aren’t enthusiastic participants? Exactly.
Timing was not on our side. Or maybe it was, if you’re looking at the grand scheme of things, with all the lessons we’re supposed to learn. We came into each others lives just in time to catch each other.
Oh this is really funny. See this is why I write. I’ve just realised something very important. I’ve been so angry. SO angry. And hurt and confused and frustrated. (This isn’t the thing I’ve realised, I think we’ve all been very aware of this.) No I’ve just realised we literally came into each others lives at the perfect time to catch each other in the one and only moment that would make sense for us to be together.
Any sooner and it would’ve been too close to his previous relationship, any later and he’d have been snatched up by some lucky lady who’d see a gorgeous single man with a good job and enough testosterone to believe she’s on the pill.
And me? I was healed enough to enjoy the company of a fella but not ready to trust one. If he’d met me earlier it would’ve been a one night stand that fizzled, and any later for me I’d have been looking for something serious – which means I definitely wouldn’t have considered him. I specifically remember saying “we’re not even compatible so I don’t care what you do, it’s not like I’m gonna marry you” and I completely believed that. That is, for like three months, until I realised this is actually my perfectly matched other half and I want to have his babies and live happily ever after until we die holding hands. Have I ever told you I’m not a very casual person?
Not that I wanted to believe any of that either, of course. Once I realised I had some big feelings for this guy I panicked and ended it. I was devastated that he didn’t immediately realise he was losing the love of his life and ride a white horse to my door brandishing a diamond. But when my friend said “okay actually imagine he turns up and says let’s do it, let’s get married and have a baby, right now! Would you want that?” And boy howdy I just about shit myself at the thought. I said “Jesus Christ no I’m not ready for that!” Props to my mate for knowing me so well.
Buuuut unfortunately…fortunately?… every time we did dumb shit and hurt each other and decided to move on from each other we just came back deeper in love, wiser and more ready for what we wanted.
Or at least I did. SOMEONE was still being a bit of a pansycakes numpty who was too busy self sabotaging the shit he actually wanted to tap into the big dick energy he could be possessing that would sort out like 80% of everything that’s wrong. But whatever man, that’s totallllly okayyyyy, at this point the only thing I can do is believe it’s all perfect timing for whatever is meant to be. I mean it’s worked out for me so far, why stop now? …just quietly, I probably also was being a pansycakes numpty who’s too scared to relinquish any control of anything, so, yeah.. fair…
Don’t get me wrong, it hasn’t worked out how I’d have liked it to. Obviously I would have much preferred a timeline in which we met and the strength of our magical connection immediately healed us of all our faults and fears so we could enjoy a soft and fluffy relationship that had more slow Sunday brunches and less mind bending life lessons. Honestly I’d prefer any timeline that meant I was with the man I love right now.
But working with the current reality, I guess it’s good. I wish there’d been less pain along the way but I like the person I am now a lot better than the person I was before Ben, and I know he’s grateful for what he’s learned as well. The way he loves me has healed parts of me I didn’t think would ever stop bleeding, and the way I love him has forced me to address my shit like never before.
If our life together is really over this time and we have to move on for good then I’ll be okay. I hate not being his woman, I miss him dearly, I hate the ways he’s hurt me, I regret the things I’ve said and I wish so many things were different, but I know I’ll be okay because I’ve lost love before and always ended up better for it.
And if he musters up that big dick energy in time to choose a lifetime of learning lessons together (with more soft and fluffiness now please) then I’ll be able to forgive the universe for throwing us together at a point where we needed to put each other through the shit bits so we could become who we need to be for the good bits. Not gonna lie, I really hope it’s this version.
But hey, Jesus take the fucking wheel!