14. NSFF (not safe for family)

You know what’s been on my mind lately? Porn. Specifically, the selling of porn.

Which, for those of you not in the know, I have done! I know, it’s incredibly shocking. I can practically hear you clutching your pearls from here! The PERPETUALLY NAKED GIRL does PORN? I wouldn’t have guessed it either. (Not that all nudity is sexual, obviously. Thank you very much.)

I had a conversation recently around the morality of selling nudes. Selling to married men in particular. And it’s gotten me a little riled up – so much so that I’ve got the ‘rantlers’ on and you’re in for a fucking mouthful. (Like I was in the videos that paid my bills. HAH!)

So, a touch of backstory. The first time I consciously performed for a male on the internet I was 13. I can almost guarantee that would not be the first time I’d been wanked over. The grown men who’d slow down in their cars and follow us down the street probably pictured my friends and I in our school uniforms later that night. Let’s not even talk about the ones who’d actually pull over, get out of their car and ask the obviously teenaged girl for a phone number. Super appropriate and comfortable behaviour for undeveloped brains to process.

Whether it was hearing a male relative talk about the “lovely curves she’s developing” or getting sent to the principals office on free dress day for wearing a “revealing” outfit (which my mother sent me to school in, it can’t have been that bad?), I have been sexualised since I was a child. 

And I’m not special! This is not an isolated situation. I’d hazard a guess that every woman reading this is nodding along remembering her own instances ranging from questionable to downright predatory behaviour. In fact I’d like to acknowledge that my uncomfortable experiences are actually very minor – if you’re reading this and cursing me for bitching about the little things, I love you and wish you so much healing <3

So, when I ended up in a chat room with some distant friend of a friend in the middle of the night, it felt… interesting… to be in charge of how I was perceived. Was it my idea to go on webcam? No. Did I feel vaguely gross about standing up and bending over to show this stranger exactly how short my nightie was? Sure! But hey, it’s kinda fun to be sexy. And I’m in control. Ooorrrrr so I convinced myself. 

Just like I was in control when my 21 year old “friend” told me how perfect my 15 year old nipples were. And it was definitely my decision to sleep with every man who was driven so wild by my super special unique never-before-seen beauty they couldn’t possibly take my initial “no” for an answer. 

And so on and so forth. You get the picture. 

Now, I’m not saying I’m not responsible for the choices I’ve made. No one had a gun to my head! And I’m sure many of the men I’ve encountered weren’t aware that their behaviour was problematic. Go watch any movie made before 2010 for a refresher on what was (let’s be honest: is) deemed acceptable ways to treat women. BUT a vast majority of my behaviour (I’ve since discovered) came from a place of trauma based people pleasing and general ickiness, which has left me with some decent mental/emotional damage.

Which brings me to Adult Harmony! 

I like sensual photos. Always have. Honestly looking back at my younger years there’s no denying I’ve always been a rather sexually charged individual. I mean, when I was 16 I took my boyfriends naughty magazines, cut out the sexiest girls and made a naked lady collage on my wall for christ sake. Ya girl is mad in touch with the divine feminine or whatever.

I’m also a very creative, outgoing individual who enjoys performing and sharing my talents with the world. Naturally I’m gonna excel in the taking and sharing of selfies. 

Turns out, when you post pictures to the internet, men can’t help but masturbate to them! Again, this is not because I’m special. Like obviously I am particularly blessed with the immaculate vibes of a mystical space goddess, but in general all you need to do is exist on the internet and some neckbeard with cheezel dusted hands is gonna feel the uncontrollable urge to tell you how it affects his pecker. 

So you know what I did? I got sick of my existence being used as free porn without my consent and I decided to profit from it instead!

The conversation that I had recently was about the fact that it’s supposedly not okay for me to have sold nudes to married men. That is morally wrong of me, they’re married, what about their poor wives, what kind of shitty untrustworthy slutty person does that make me?! 

And while, yes, I have felt some remorse for being a part of other peoples betrayals – I was angry. Angry enough from years of being used and hurt and scared to finally look after myself and not care what happened outside of those few instances I could control. I don’t cheat on my partners and I’m not other peoples relationship police.

Now that’s out of the way, let’s examine this logic…

It is perfectly socially acceptable for a married man to sit down with his phone, go to some mass produced porn website *cough*pornhub*cough* and whack off til the cows come home while some barely (probably not) legal girl gets brutally (likely not consensually) railed and (easily against her will) exploited on the internet for all to enjoy. That’s normal, that’s not hurting anyone, his wife should let him watch porn.

But me, a grown woman, chooses to let those same men financially support me while I consensually and privately entertain them and I’M THE BAD GUY? Nahhhh. 

Again, I’m not actually in support of behaviour that’s going to upset anyones spouse. BUT when they’re literally doing it anyway, that’s their karmic bed to lay in and… well, fair and equal exchange mate 😉

I’m not even in the business anymore, and if we’re gonna be super real, I do get the ick about some things I’ve done. But fuck me does the double standard shit me right off.

If I complained about a married man sending me an unsolicited dick pic I’m told “well yeah, of course that’ll happen when you post sexy photos!” and yet if I CHOOSE to send him pictures and get compensated for my time it’s “yuck that’s so wrong, where are your morals?”

Proving once again the general vibe is that women being used as sex objects is fine, as long as we’re not happy about it. 

Big yikes. Let’s do better please.

In closing, if one wank invested in me means one less wank invested in the extremely damaging mainstream porn industry then I’m fucking stoked on my contribution to the sex work world thank you very fucking much.

ps. I am aware I could do with some therapy lol